If you would have told me a year ago I'd be a Mother to a sweet baby boy, and he'd introduce me to what life was about- I'm not sure I would've believed you.
It seemed unobtainable you know? Clayton and I struggled with infertility for the span of our (at the time) 9 year marriage, but we both agreed fertility wouldn't define us. It wouldn't define us as a couple or our worth individually.
Culturally in Utah, being married for 9 years without children was considered a little strange and we were asked about it often- and honestly, that's okay. Some might find it offensive that people ask such a personal question, but people are sometimes clumsy with their words and actions, and let curiosity get the best of them. But eventually we had come to a point in our fertility journey where we kept it to ourselves. Partially because we didn't want to take from others in our lives who were struggling with it as well but had a harder time juggling the struggle, and really it was our journey- just mine and Clayton's.
In October 2015 we together finally came to terms that "Okay! This might not happen for us, and that's okay. There are babies who need us out there. Adoption it is.", but at that same time I was preparing for my Patriarchal Blessing , which in my religion is a sacred blessing we prepare for, pray to God with our most sincere questions and thoughts, and He uses a Patriarch who He chose to deliver our answers. I asked 5 questions- to me, the great wonders of life, and they were answered one by one in my blessing. They were very simple questions that are personal and I'm going to keep personal, but I'm sure you've guessed one of my questions was if we'd have a family and I'm sure you can guess my answer I received. Surprisingly I was shocked, we could have children. This was fresh news.
Fast forward to the next month- November 2015. We did another round of Clomid (fertility medication) and Progesterone as we've done many times before without a second thought. Although this time around my OB sat me down and explained he'd gone over some tests and found a small brain tumor that was hindering my ovulation. So he wrote a prescription for a medication to shrink the tumor and I was off. Again, not much thought, just another shot in the dark.
We bustled through the Thanksgiving and were cruising to Christmas even with my increasing grumpiness (haha). That should've been our first sign because this girl LIVES for the holidays. I mean I'm one of those. When FM 100 plays Christmas music on November 1, I give praises to the heavens. On the flip side I get angry if Clayton plays anything Christmas music related in January because I'm sulking. And grieving. RIP holiday magic, till next year.
So we make it through Christmas, still as grumpy as ever and feeling like garbage. But who feels well when you're running a home business, working full time and it's cold outside? So I didn't think much. Over New Years we packed the family up and went to my parents home in St George and again- hi grumpy. Nausea and the grumps. I confess I literally took the entire medicine cabinet to feel better. Did I have the flu? Is this a cold? More sudafed and tylenol please! Ugha.
We make it home from St George and I'm on the couch so so sick. I never succumb to sickness- I work through it and Clayton knew this. So he insisted I take a pregnancy test. I have a stash of them! So I take the test- positive. Am I ashamed to say I panicked? A little. I'll be honest- it wasn't relief or happiness I felt. It was panic. What had I done? How did I think I was ready for this? We weren't ready?
It took weeks for the shock to wear off. I had tried for this, why was I so terrified? I was worried for my work to find out, for fellow friends struggling with infertility. Silly. What pulled me through was the excitement, love and comfort from my husband and parents. And then one day out of the blue I was ecstatic. I was buying everything baby boy in sight (I KNEW he was a boy, and knew his name. You know how you can just feel it sometimes?) I felt like this was right. And I deserved to feel this joy.
I had usual pregnancy symptoms but maintained working full time, which was hard, but I hid my discomfort the best I could and had incredibly understanding clients. Pregnancy was tough, but can we all admit it's nowhere near as hard as we thought? I mean, we're growing a human here people. I've had bronchitis worse than pregnancy. And besides, I was able to wear my bikini with zero insecurities. No standing up straight and sucking it in! Pregnancy is beautiful.
Day of Delivery: Aw the good part. We were scheduled to be induced at 8:30 am on August 3rd. As I was putting the last of the flower crown packages in the mailbox (yep, orders go out even when you're having a baby haha) I thought "Okay this is happening. But what if they call and say just kidding? Like...does that happen?" And then they called and said just kidding. No room in the inn. No room for you. Sin espacio. There was a surge of babies and they literally didn't have room. I was on call to have my baby.
Breath. This is okay. Right?
This was my sign to breathe, take my husband to little Criddles Cafe and get ourselves a pancake. Enjoy our time. So that's what we did. And then we decided to go see if we could find labor and delivery because that might be important right? Once we arrived at the hospital and found labor and delivery, I was doing my favorite thing (scoping out the desserts in the cafeteria to make my stay more enjoyable. Just lookin out for myself.) and they called us up. My sweet nurse brought us in, got to know us, hooked me all up, gave me those awesome hospital socks and ice chips and we were settled. Sweet precious ice chips that become very valuable while you sit for 4 hours waiting on your antibiotics.
Labor was so sweet. I started labor at 4pm mildly, called in my mom, brother, sister and the sweetest birth photographer I could've had Marilyn Cutler- we joked and laughed while contractions were getting stronger (unbeknownst to me, heeey epidural). Outside there was a storm rolling in and we had a huge bay window, the energy was so sweet.
I started feeling pressure at 7:30 pm, saw my poor nurse panic and call my OB who ran in just in time- at 7:41 I started pushing and 7:51 Baby Boy Denver John Sherman was here. 7 Pounds 8.5 Ounces and 19.5 inches long. They placed him on my chest and he quickly found my neck and nestled in. He was comforted by ME? He knew ME. I knew him. He was ours. My world was quiet, all I could see, smell, hear was him. I was bleeding with a 4th degree tear and I had no idea. Even if I did, I wouldn't have minded. Look at this boy? And then I saw my husbands face who held me so sweetly the whole time. I saw him love me and our baby. His eyes were so sweet and soft. Everyone deserves to be looked at like Clayton looks at us.
It's been a whirlwind of the classic- okay we now have to take care of a tiny human.... why isn't my milk coming in? I take his temp where? I'm supposed to wear pads in my bra...? Why is he coughing? And whose body is this? But I couldn't care less. Life is so different now, and so simple. He brings a level of simplistic happiness that you couldn't find anywhere else. Grateful for answered prayers.